An explanation...

I know for most people it's hard to understand what we're going through or anyone in the same situation as us for that matter. My best friend sent me this link and I'm posting it here so maybe more of you will understand what I can't put into words sometimes. This is how we feel and so much more.  Have lots of tissues ready becuase the tears will be flowing.

Love,

 Whit

It's all a waiting game.

It's been a while since I have given any kind of update, so here it is.  We have decided not to proceed with another round of injections and the IUI until later this fall.  Since my last update I interviewed for a teaching position for this upcoming school year and I got it!! I also started taking the last two General Ed. courses I needed to finish up my degree and recieve my diploma. That alone, along with the stress of a new job and trying to figure out where to start there, we didn't feel like it would be a good idea to add trying to have a baby in the mix.  This will also give me time to keep working on getting my liver function counts lower and be healthier for when we do proceed.  The staff at SIRM was amazing and totally supportive when I told them we were going to wait until later this year. Waiting is not something I do well. When I first got the news about my body not responding to the injections, I was devestated at first. I was just so sure that it was going to work and this was going to be it for us.  That obviously was not our time.  It took me a while to get to a place where I was at peace with where we were in our journey.  It was not easy.  I prayed a lot, cried a lot, talked about it over and over trying to figure out what went wrong. Then I realized it's not up to me, it's up to God.  I think we forget sometimes that with out Him we are nothing.  I know that we wouldn't have gotten where we were and gotten the answers we had been waiting for if we didn't have God at our side. I know there is still hope, by His mercy and grace we will have a baby of our own someday.  At that point I knew I was at peace with everything.  I knew it becuase I wasn't worrying about it so much, I wasn't fixated on it.  I know at this point waiting is the best thing for us. It gives me a chance to be healthier for myself and if I do get pregnant.  I say 'if' because I just don't know if it will happen that way. Lately I have struggled with this more and more.  I see other women in the store who are pregnant and I get sad, I hear about friends who are pregnant and see baby pictures and I get sad. I think because before I gave my worries over to God and I felt like I was doing so well and forgot that I still need Him. I think we all do that sometimes, we say to ourselves, "God I got this now, you can take a break I don't think I need you right now", when in reality the only reason we 'got it' is because of Him. So I'm at a place again where I need to be reminded and remind myself to lean on Him and rely on Him for strength and courage and the patience .  I have to take it day by day and make a decision, to either be angry and sad and dwell on the things I can't control or to be thankful for what I have now, right in front of me.  We have talked about adoption in passing before.  I have always said I don't know when the best time will be to proceed if that's what we feel like we should do.  I was talking to one of my great friends the other day and she said, is there really a time when God will tell you, no you shouldn't reach out to the orphans in the world and love them and cherish them.  I know that wouldn't happen.  I don't know what will happen.  I am still hopeful we will be ready financially, emotionally and spiritually later on this year to still try again with the injections and the IUI.  In the mean time I will be praying and getting stronger and healthier and focus on what I have right in front of me.  I am leaving it up to God.  I know He will help me and us to steer us down the right path.  I am so thankful for all the support and love I have around me through this whole journey. I will keep you updated in the coming months as to what's going to happen. In the mean time keep praying and thank you all for supporting us! 
 On another note....I saw the movie trailer for "The Odd Life of Timothy Green".  I think this is going to be a great movie to watch and it kind of hits home for us and I know alot of other couples who are struggling with the same thing we are. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhaPxj1EIhg&feature=player_detailpage

We're shutting you down...

Yesterday was a bittersweet day for me.  I had my ultrasound to check my follicles to see how much they had grown since I had beeing taking the injections, and I also graduated with my Bachelors in Education from Missouri Baptist.  We had a lot going on and I'm still processing everything that happened.  I keep asking myself, "Is it something I did?", "Maybe I wasn't giving the injections correctly." ...so many questions, so much sadness because I was not responding to the medicine so they "shut me down this cycle".  I went in feeling so confident that they were going to be so excited that my follicles were where they needed to be and we could proceed with the IUI.  I could tell by looking on the ultrasound screen that something wasn't right.  She wasn't excited about anything and she didn't measure any follicles, she asked me to get dressed and they would talk to me when I got done.  The nurse told me that Dr. Alhering would give me a call within the hour to let me know how they were going to proceed.  So as I'm driving to the University to pick up my cap and gown I get the call....and it definitley was not the call I was expecting. It was Dr. Alhering's nurse and she says to me that thye are 'shutting me down this cycle', that I'm not responding to the medicine and they are going to put me on a new type of med for my next cycle and see what that does. 
Everyone always says to me, "It's all in God's timing, it may not be when we want but he will never give you what you can't handle". Well maybe I was so dead set on doing this that I missed or looked past those signs that were telling me to wait.  First with the financial burden that it would have, you know after a few days of worrying I had pretty much gotten comfortable with the fact that we were going to have to wait. Then we ended up with the means to go forward a few days after that.  Next was the pharmacy fiasco.  They gave me the wrong dose of medicine three different times then had to over night the rest of it from California. Do you think that was God speaking loud and clear that it wasn't time yet?  I don't know what to think. What I do know now is that eight hundred dollars and five injections later it didn't work.  I thought about this all day yesterday.  The things I could have done different, why it didn't work, how do I know when the right time is, and then the feeling of sadness, and at times anger because why is it so easy for others who just take a pill, why do the ones who don't even want children get to have them, why do they get that gift from God? Then I remember, it's not my place to judge, I don't get to decide who deserves that miracle or when it happens to me, everything happens for a reason according to His plan for you. Then the feelings of sadness come back because I don't know why it wouldn't work and I am ready for it too.  It seems like throughout this whole process everything was working against us.  I know there are a lot of people praying for us right now and I think now is when we've needed it more than ever.  I still don't think we would have gotten this far with all the positive answers if we weren't supposed to try this route and walk down this path of treatment.  I knew it was going to be hard and I knew there was a chance that it might not work the first time I just didnt' expect to be "shut down" this early in the game. 
The next step: The doctor called in a prescription for me to start my next period.  Then on day one of my cycle I will call them and they will then let me know what the plan of action is.  I'm unsure if we will have the financial means to get the medicine, because it's a different kind I"m not sure how much it's going to be so we may have to wait until the next cycle, but I will keep you updated. We will proceed either way. Please keep praying and thank you so much for all of the support you have given us.
Love,
Whitney and Tom

Hold your breath, cross your fingers and toes and PRAY

So I wasn't sure if we were going to update everyone on what we are doing so that's why I haven't posted anything in a while until I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a few extra prayers floating around out there.  In my last post I informed you that we are proceeding with the IUI this cycle.  Those  hopes were almost stopped by yet another obstacle to overcome which were the financial burdens of this procedure.  I e-mailed the doctor's office about how much everything was going to be and when I found out and brought the information back to Tom we had some figuring and thinking to do but it looks like everything is going to work out and we can move forward with this cycle. I went and picked up the medicine that I will be taking starting on day 5 of my cycle.  They are going to be the injections and when I met with the pharmacist she said to me, "I have no idea how this works".  I thought to my self, ...'Seriously!?' So it looks like I will be calling my doctors office on Monday to see if they can explain to me over the phone how this is supposed to work, otherwise I will be making a trip up there on Wednesday.  I am confident that everything will work out how it is supposed to be all according to God's plan.  We wouldn't have gotten this far with out Him and we aren't stopping now.  We need lots of prayers right now. There are times when I get really pumped up about this and am really optimistic with the results and then there are the times when I have doubts and ask my self those 'What if" questions. So right now I am trying to stay neutral and put those negative thoughts out of my mind.  I had some aprehension about sharing what we are doing because I just don't know if it's going to work. But then I realized that if no one knows our struggles or problems then they don't know what to pray for.  So please keep praying for us, we really appreciate all of the support and optimism we have encountered thus far.  I will keep you updated and hopefully by the begining of June I will be posting some exciting news! :)

5 steps back 10 steps forward...and the answers we've needed.

Well I have torn down the obstacle and have started racing forward again.  A big giant leap forward. If you read my last blog post I filled you in on the results from my blood work. I went and had an ultrasound on my abdomen done on Friday, April 6th, and got my cholesterol levels re-tested as well.  I spoke with my fertility doctor today and my family physician to go over the results for everything.  So first I will start with my blood work and ultrasound results.  6 months ago my family doctor tested my cholesterol levels and those results came back high.My overall cholesterol was 260. I expected that when these results came back they would also be high and that meant she was going to start me on a low dose medicine to help bring it down.  To my surprise they were not high, those numbers had actually came down. This time my overall cholesterol was 198. She said they found nothing abnormal with my liver, just what she expected to find which were the fatty deposits; but she said since my cholesterol was coming down and I'm changing the way I eat and exercising that that should get better as well. The doctor said that she didn't see a need to hold off on getting pregnant since everything is coming down. Yay!!!  You have no idea how excited I was to find out those results.  I thought for sure that my cholesterol would be as high if not higher than it was in August when they checked it and I was going to have to go on meds and wait for eternity to move forward with the fertility specialist. 
       Now for the other news! I also talked with my fertility specialist today. (well actually his nurse) She said they got all of Tom's results back today and they looked pretty good. She also checked to see if I had followed up with my primary doctor.  Since everything was good on that part and Tom's results look good and since I have the PCOS it looks like we are moving forward with having the IUI done on my next cycle! Today is day 20 of my current cycle, so I will start taking meds to start another period. Then on the first day of my next cycle I will contact the nurse and they will call in medicine for me to take, which will be the injections, starting on day five.  They will monitor my ovulation through ultrasound, and she said typically on day 16 is when they actually do the IUI.  So I think by the end of May and if not then for sure the beginning of June we should know whether or not we are pregnant.  After getting all of the good news about the test results it almost feels like it's happened already. I am trying not to get too pumped up about it just in case it doesn't take the first time which is a very real possibility. I think this is the first day in a long time I have been able to breath.  It felt like before, day after day, month after month, year after year there was always a huge wall keeping us from moving forward.Now all of the sleepless nights, crying until I fall asleep, all of the meltdowns and confusion when it happened to someone other than me seem like a distant memory. We are finally getting the answers we have needed for so long and it feels like there has been a huge weight lifted off my heart.  I am so thankful for all of the support from friends and family. If it wasn't for them I think I would still be trapped in that endless fear of never becoming a mother I guess you could say.  I know it's in God's hands, and it always has been. It's just hard to hand it over to him, but every day is getting easier. That light that I thought was getting smaller has just gotten a whole lot brighter! Keep praying!  

One step forward, five steps back

Have you ever felt like when you were working towards a certain goal and that goal is within a fingertips reach and then all of a sudden you get pulled back, well that's how I'm feeling right now.I heard from Dr. Ahlering's nurse last week about the results from my blood work. She said most of the results were normal, but there were a few abnormal results that were leading them to think I had PCO, which was no big surprise. She said they wanted me to follow up with my primary doctor to go over those tests.  I made an appointment for the very next afternoon.  So come to find out my liver function test was pretty high. I don't have exact numbers but they were high enough that she said it makes them think of alcoholism, hepatitis or someone who takes entirely too much aspirin, and I fall into none of those categories. So she thinks I have a type of nonalcoholic liver disease.Fatty deposits build up on the liver and cause it to become inflamed.  How I understood it was that it's from following a poor, unhealthy diet and not exercising.   She also mentioned that these are not only not good numbers when your not pregnant but add pregnancy in there and it gets even scarier.  So I have a feeling that when I follow up with Dr. Ahlering in a week to go over everything and come up with a plan that he might tell me to wait until I can get those numbers back down.  I know it's good that they caught this and I need to be at my healthiest when I do get pregnant but that light that I saw before, is no longer there.  I feel like any progress we make is blocked by something else and we are back at square one. So I have made changes to what I've been eating and cut out all my soda, water only for me. I have also started exercising.  If only it were possible to snap my fingers and lose weight...that would be ideal. I was talking to a friend about this the other day and maybe it will be a good thing if they do wait, just so I'm healthier.  I know I will be much happier with myself if I do lose weight and keep exercising.   In the mean time I am trusting God and the plan that He has for me.  If it is His will I know it will happen and it will happen all in His timing.  It will all be ok, that's what I keep telling myself.

I can almost see the light

    We began the testing phase of our journey this past Friday.  I got blood work done and by the time that was all said and done I think they ended up with half my blood.(not even joking)  Tom (my husband) also went to Dr. Ahlering's office on Friday to do his part of the testing, which I'm sure you all know what that means.  We got his initial results back that same day which looked very good.  They sent off for a DNA fragmentation test to be done and we are still waiting for those results to come back. 

There are potential babies in there!

      I had an appointment with Dr.Ahlering this morning to finish up my part of the testing phase. Let me just say he is one of the nicest people I have ever met.  His confidence in the whole matter really put my mind at ease.  He did an internal ultrasound to check my uterus, which he said all looked very good.  He also checked my ovaries, and said there are over 20 follicles in each ovary which he said is a classic sign of PCO.Dr. Ahlering gave me a picture of my ovaries so I could see what he was talking about. So every dark circle is a follicle.  Follow the link to find out more about what PCO is.  http://haveababy.com/infertility-information/pcos-and-pregnancy/    He was very reassuring that this was not something to get worked up about.  With fertility medication and a little help from him I think we are going to get that baby we've wanted.  So as long as everything else comes back normal, he said we will more than likely be able to get an IUI done.  IUI is short for intrauterine insemination.  Intrauterine insemination (IUI), the injection of sperm into the uterus by means of a catheter directed through the cervix, has been practiced for many years. The premise of the IUI procedure (a type of artificial insemination) is that sperm can reach and fertilize the egg more easily if they are placed directly into the uterine cavity. In addition, in cases where the cervical mucus is poor or hostile to sperm, intrauterine insemination circumvents these problems because it bypasses the cervix.
Since we have to wait for all the test results to come in and make sure doing an IUI is the best solution we are going to wait until my next cycle before we proceed any further. 
    I am feeling very optimistic after todays appointment.  After years of trying, and taking clomid and seeing negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test and crying myself to sleep, I feel like I am finally able to breath better.  We finally got some answers. I know we are still waiting on the other half of Tom's test and my blood work to come back, but I can finally see the light trying to peek through at the end of that long dark tunnel.