Yesterday was a bittersweet day for me. I had my ultrasound to check my follicles to see how much they had grown since I had beeing taking the injections, and I also graduated with my Bachelors in Education from Missouri Baptist. We had a lot going on and I'm still processing everything that happened. I keep asking myself, "Is it something I did?", "Maybe I wasn't giving the injections correctly." ...so many questions, so much sadness because I was not responding to the medicine so they "shut me down this cycle". I went in feeling so confident that they were going to be so excited that my follicles were where they needed to be and we could proceed with the IUI. I could tell by looking on the ultrasound screen that something wasn't right. She wasn't excited about anything and she didn't measure any follicles, she asked me to get dressed and they would talk to me when I got done. The nurse told me that Dr. Alhering would give me a call within the hour to let me know how they were going to proceed. So as I'm driving to the University to pick up my cap and gown I get the call....and it definitley was not the call I was expecting. It was Dr. Alhering's nurse and she says to me that thye are 'shutting me down this cycle', that I'm not responding to the medicine and they are going to put me on a new type of med for my next cycle and see what that does.
Everyone always says to me, "It's all in God's timing, it may not be when we want but he will never give you what you can't handle". Well maybe I was so dead set on doing this that I missed or looked past those signs that were telling me to wait. First with the financial burden that it would have, you know after a few days of worrying I had pretty much gotten comfortable with the fact that we were going to have to wait. Then we ended up with the means to go forward a few days after that. Next was the pharmacy fiasco. They gave me the wrong dose of medicine three different times then had to over night the rest of it from California. Do you think that was God speaking loud and clear that it wasn't time yet? I don't know what to think. What I do know now is that eight hundred dollars and five injections later it didn't work. I thought about this all day yesterday. The things I could have done different, why it didn't work, how do I know when the right time is, and then the feeling of sadness, and at times anger because why is it so easy for others who just take a pill, why do the ones who don't even want children get to have them, why do they get that gift from God? Then I remember, it's not my place to judge, I don't get to decide who deserves that miracle or when it happens to me, everything happens for a reason according to His plan for you. Then the feelings of sadness come back because I don't know why it wouldn't work and I am ready for it too. It seems like throughout this whole process everything was working against us. I know there are a lot of people praying for us right now and I think now is when we've needed it more than ever. I still don't think we would have gotten this far with all the positive answers if we weren't supposed to try this route and walk down this path of treatment. I knew it was going to be hard and I knew there was a chance that it might not work the first time I just didnt' expect to be "shut down" this early in the game.
The next step: The doctor called in a prescription for me to start my next period. Then on day one of my cycle I will call them and they will then let me know what the plan of action is. I'm unsure if we will have the financial means to get the medicine, because it's a different kind I"m not sure how much it's going to be so we may have to wait until the next cycle, but I will keep you updated. We will proceed either way. Please keep praying and thank you so much for all of the support you have given us.
Love,
Whitney and Tom
