Praying for Peace

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything. Some of you may know we recently decided to go through an IVF cycle. We decided to try this spring and were hopeful that this would be our second chance. A second chance at becoming parents again and bringing home a baby of our own. 

   So it all started back on February 1. That was my first appointment with my nurse Amy. She is amazing by the way. Very compassionate and supportive and I'm so glad I requested her as my nurse. So that appointment she went over all the details of what would be involved in this cycle. It was very overwhelming and a lot to take in but I was so excited at the same time. On February 19th I started my medications. This involved daily shots and oral medications. After about a week and half I would start giving my self 2 shots daily plus all of the oral meds. It was very taxing physically. March 7th was my first ultrasound to check the growth of my follicles. There were about 10 follicles in each ovary that were growing and they were all between 12-16mm. I continued with 2 more days of stimulation shots and went back in on the 9th for another  check. We had about the same number on each side, maybe a few more that ranged between 13-18mm. So I was making progress. The Dr. decided to continue with one more day of meds and then I would take my trigger shot on March 10th. After my trigger shot I would go in for egg retrieval on Saturday, March 13th.  The day of retrieval, she was able to retrieve 25 eggs, and of those 25, 22 were fully mature. 

   From here on out it was a waiting game. They would fertilize them that day and then I would get a series of phone calls updating me on the growth of our embryos. The next day the nurse called and said that 12 had made it through fertilization.  My next call would be on day 3. Out of our 12 we had 6 that were considered good that day. On day 5, which was March 17, we went in for our transfer. We found out we had one that was good and ready. There were 2 more that they were waiting on to see if they would develop over the next day so that they could freeze them. So we transferred the best one out of the three. This whole process I prayed for peace and understanding. I prayed to God that He would help me let go of this situation, knowing I had no control over it. I felt at peace through the whole process. So much so that I just knew this was going to be it. This was going to be our next chance. 

   So at this point we were going through another waiting period. We had 8 days to go before we knew if this worked or not.  I went in for blood work on March 25th. I waited with Tom so we could find out together. My nurse, Amy called and the news was not what we were hoping and praying for. The blood test came back negative. At this point I couldn't do anything but cry. We are both heart broken and unsure of what we are going to do at this point. IVF is very taxing financially, physically and emotionally. My body went through a lot during this process. It would be easy to say yes, we will try again if we had embryos that were able to be frozen, waiting on us. But we didn't so we would have to go through the whole process over again. So, we are now at another point in our lives where we will wait and see what happens. We have to take some time to process all of this and to focus on ourselves and our health. I'm not sure what plans God has for us. I wish I knew. I wish I could see into my future, but that's not how it works. I still feel a peace about this situation and I"m not sure why. I feel like something is coming our way I just don't know when it's going to happen or how it's going to look. I will keep praying for peace and understanding and guidance through this journey. I will keep praying for God to help me lay this at His feet and let go of control of this situation.

  I am thankful for the group of girls I had praying for me and with me through this whole process. their friendship is a blessing and I am so glad God placed each and everyone of them in my life. I am thankful for the family we had praying for us as well. We have such a great support system and I know, no matter what we end up deciding they will always be there for us. 

Love,
Tom and Whit

   October is, among other things, infant loss awareness month. October 15th is infant loss awareness day, where at 7pm everyone lights a candle in memory of all the babies we have had to say good by to way too soon. This is near and dear to my heart as well as Tom's since we lost our sweet girl Honor coming up on two years this November. I encourage you all to say a prayer and light a candle this year.

    Losing a child is...well indescribable. The pain and grief stays with you always. I think about Honor every minute of every day and wonder what her life would be like here on earth with her mom and dad. I know that she is healthy and happy in the arms of Jesus but that doesn't lessen the pain we feel daily. We are pushing on in terms of growing our family. We don't know what this will look, but I know looking to the future and trying to control it does not good. God's plan for us was not meant to be understood, it's just way too big for us to wrap our minds around. So right now we are living in current second, minute, hour. We are waiting (sometimes impatiently) for the next steps. The next few months for us as a family will be hard. Having to live through another set of holidays, including her birthday, will be tough. After we get through the holidays we will look to see what our next steps should be. What God wants us to do. Do you all realize how scary that is to let go of control of your life and to give it all over to Him? It's scary because His plan, may not be your plan. What you think is best for you, may not really be what's best for you. SCARY!! 

    Before we got pregnant with Honor I prayed consistently and looked for guidance daily from God. I remember how good it felt to have prayers answered and to feel His presence. After we lost Honor that part of me slipped away without me even realizing it. Then this awesome group of ladies put together this prayer gathering a few weeks ago and that night I realized that I needed to find that part of me again. (p.s-don't kill me Lauren Martin! but from that night my baby sister Lauren accepted Christ as her Savior I am so so very proud of her and can't wait to see what God has in store for her) So, something I have learned over the past few weeks is that staying faithful to God by praying, reading the word, and praying some more is helping me to heal.  As bad as it hurts to have lost Honor, so much good has come out of that loss. She has touched so many lives in her short time here. I am able to be an encouragement and a light to others who have lost a child or who are still looking for the strength to carry on after that failed IVF or IUI. God's hand is in all of this. There is a fire that I found that night a few weeks ago, that reignited a lost part of myself and it feels good.  

   I hope this all makes sense.  I actually started typing a facebook post about Infant Loss Awareness and then it started turning into more than just that, so I just figured I would make another blog post since it had been a while.

   So please be in prayer for all the families who have lost a child no matter what age. Also be in prayer for us as we continue on our journey in growing our family and for my sister who is new to this christian life. We love you all and as always appreciate your love and support. 

Love,
Tom and Whit

Results that lead to confusion which pushes you for answers....

    So I know it's been a few weeks and I know most of you know by now that what we prayed for and hoped for didn't happen. I took a test about 12 days past when we did the IUI and it was negative. I was heart broken but still trying to convince myself that it was still a few days early. I was allowing myself to be a little hopeful until finally we knew for sure on Wednesday that it wasn't what he were hoping for. So I called my doctor because I was seriously at a loss. Why in the world will this process not work again. We have kept everything the same as the first time and I just wasn't understanding. So I made an appointment to go into see my doctor to see what her thoughts were on what we should do next.

    So I went in a few days later to see Dr. Dayal. When I talked to her the only test that hadn't been ran or ruled out was a test for Natural Killer cells. This is when my body sees the embryo as a foreign body and rejects it so it won't allow implantation to happen. Everyone has these cells, it's just that some people have an over abundance of them when they are trying to get pregnant. Well they drew my blood that afternoon and sent it off to be tested. The following Tuesday I got the results back. Part of me was hoping that this was why it hadn't been working so we would have an answer but the other part of me was hoping this wasn't the problem because it just makes things 10 times more complicated. When I talked to the nurse she told me that my NK cells were slightly elevated with a tendency to elevate even more under stimulation (implantation). So the fix for this is getting intralipid infusions. The safest course of treatment for us now would be to undergo IVF. 

  This course of treatment would allow Dr. Dayal to only transfer one embryo which would lessen the risk of multiples and lessen the chances of pre-term labor during our next pregnancy. This course of treatment coupled with the treatment from the high risk doctor would give us the best possible chance of carrying our next baby to full term, which is of course what we want. Even though she will only be transferring one embryo we still have a 60% success rate. We don't have a timeline on when all this will happen yet, as I'm sure most of you know that IVF is pretty expensive. I have applied for a grant and we should find out if we got the grant by the end of July. I'm hoping early to late fall we will be moving forward with IVF. Right now we greatly appreciate all prayers. This have been such a tough road and we want nothing more than to carry, deliver, and finally bring home a healthy baby boy or girl. Thank you again for all of your support! 

God Bless and love to you all! 
Tom and Whit

Day 12 Update!

   
   First of all I want to say THANK YOU Lord! Thank you for answering prayers, thank you for never leaving me even when the doubt and that fear kept finding it's way into my mind over the past few weeks. So Praise God, it is because of Him any of this is happening. 

   Second of all, we had our third appointment today. This was another ultrasound to check the growth of my follicles. If you remember on Wednesday I had one follicle on my right side measuring at 12mm. Today I am shocked and pleased to tell you I have two on my right side now, one is measuring at 14mm, the other is measuring at 12.5mm. I also have one follicle trying to catch up that is on my left ovary measuring at 11mm. My prayer this week was that the one would just keep growing, that it would stay put and grow, grow, grow. Never did I imagine that I would have gotten this good of results today. So again, Thank you Lord, Praise Jesus! 
  
   My doctor is keeping me on 150 units of medication for the next three days and I go back in on Tuesday for another check. Here's what we need. I need no more than three follicles to keep growing. IF any more than that decide to join the party we may have to cancel this cycle which would break my heart. So my prayer for the next three days is that the three that are growing will be the only three that keep growing. That when I go in Tuesday I will be ready for my trigger shot and Wednesday we can proceed with the IUI. 

   As I wrap up this post I just want to say how at peace I am with all of this. Yes I may have doubt and fear creep in but it does not stay long. I cry now because all of this, this whole situation feels completely right. I feel God working in all of this. So now I also thank God for Honor and blessing us with her because without her I would not be as strong in my faith. She renewed a hope and trust in us, and me especially that was at risk of being lost and I don't even want to think about where I would be spiritually if she hadn't been born. I miss her so much but at the same time I am now seeing a bigger plan, a plan that she was so much a part of.

   Keep praying!  I will update everyone Tuesday when we know more info! 

Love to you all!
Tom and Whit
   

Day 9 Update!

   Today I had another ultrasound appointment to check how my body was responding to the medication. When Dr. Dayal performed the ultrasound she saw one follicle on my right ovary that was already at 12mm. I was kind of shocked because I usually feel activity at this point but nothing ever really happens until my dose is doubled for about another week. I will be on three more days of medication at the higher dose and I go back in Saturday for another ultrasound. By this time this one follicle should be about ready if not all the way ready so that I can do my trigger shot after that. We still have a way to to go but praise the Lord our prayers are being answered! 

   So now we need prayers that this one follicle will keep growing and not disappear like they have done on me in the past. This all feels really good right now. Just keep praying and I will keep you updated as we get more news! 

   P.S.- Don't forget to keep praying for everyone else who is struggling with their health or other personal issues. We all know someone who needs daily prayers. :) 

Thank you and Love to all! 
Whit and Tom

Day Three...

    I told you all I would keep you updated. If this were happening earlier in the year I would have kept this all to myself. I know people are praying for us, and I've learned it's better to have full support no matter the outcome than to go through it alone. So I will be updating you every appointment, every step of the way so you know what to specifically pray for.  
   
   Thursday, our first day of spring break, was my first appointment to get this whole process going again.  I went in for a baseline ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts on my ovaries.  I have been really anxious and scared and nervous because no I have never had any cysts before but I also had never had any polyps until about two months ago. I knew anything could happen. I also know that God has his had in all of this. I know the outcome of this part of our lives has already been decided so I have prayed every night up until this appointment for God to give me the strength and guidance to fully trust in Him through all of this. At 10:15 we went into the ultrasound room and Dr. Dayal proceeded to check both ovaries and to my complete relief everything looked great. We talked about the dosage of medicine I would be on. Dr. Dayal had said she was going to try to mimic the dosage and time frame from when we got pregnant almost 2 years ago now. I have complete trust in her and pray daily that God will guide her to make decisions on our behalf that are in our best interest. So all that being said, I started my daily injections on Thursday. I will take the meds until Tuesday and go back in Wednesday for another ultrasound/follicle check to see how my eggs are growing and progressing.
   
   I find it interesting after going back and reading my last paragraph, as I'm checking for errors that I said I have complete trust in my Dr. but I find it hard to trust God's plan for me. How crazy town does that sound?!  I have found that letting go and giving it all to God and trusting that His plan is what is best for us has been one of the hardest things I have had to do or try to do. As a human we want to control our lives, we know ourselves best, we know what would be best for us right?! Well we think we do. I know what we want. We want to  get a positive pregnancy test. We want to have a pregnancy go full term. We want to deliver a healthy baby boy or girl. We want to bring that healthy baby into our new home and raise him or her to the best of our abilities. Sometimes I ask myself...God is that really too much to ask. Well, yes, it is, if that's not what is best for us a family,best for us as a husband and wife. I know God knows our  hearts desire is to have another baby and that's what we're praying for. I'm praying that that is His plan for us at this moment in time. I am also praying for understanding on our part if that's not the outcome we get in a couple weeks. 

   So here are a few specific prayer requests I have for us at the moment:
1.First and foremost, I know that we are not the only people going through trials at this moment in time. So please not only pray for Tom and me, but also keep Jason and Holly in your prayers and Kelly Griffin. Both families are battling cancer at this time. They, to me, are showing great strength and trust in God at a time when most would not. 
2. Please pray that no matter what we will lean on God and trust in His plan for us. He always comes first no matter what. All the glory goes to God. Pray that if this does not end up being God's plan for us that our hearts are open and willing to move onto whatever path He has for us.
3. Please pray that my body responds well to the meds and that our ultrasound results are positive on Wednesday.

  I want to thank you for praying for us for so long. I know I said this all the time but your love and support is greatly appreciated. 

   I will let you all know how Wednesday goes! 
   
   Love to all!
Tom and Whit

One year and counting...

  I know it's been a while since I have posted anything. I think in my last post I was telling you all about our high risk doctor that we found and the information he told us about what he thought happened.

  Since then we have been back to see our fertility doctor twice. The first time was in May. At that point we thought my body was kind of regulating itself so we only did the injections to help my body produce mature eggs and ovulate. Unfortunately it did not work. So we waited a few months and tried again in July. This time we wanted to proceed with another IUI. So we did. I found out the week we started our new school year that it did not work. I was devastated.  I was angry, sad, confused, and hurting. I was so mad that I just quit taking my daily medicines to help keep my body regulated. I was kind of at that point where I was saying "what is the point?!" (not the best idea i've had) Our hearts yearn for another baby. I was just sure it was going to work this time because in my mind I was thinking, "it worked once, why wouldn't it work again". God obviously had other plans for us at that time.  So, because we save our money to be able to do this we decided to take some time off. I was not in the state of mind to try again at that point. We needed time to save our money. I needed time to process everything. Time to pray and a clear mind to listen. 

  In the mean time the new school year had started. I had a new bunch of kids who kept me busy and on my toes and most importantly my mind off of things. (for the most part anyway) September and October flew by without incident. then November came crashing in. The one year mark was quickly approaching. I knew I wanted to do something to remember Honor. She was alive and with us even for just the shortest time. I wanted to remember that short time and celebrate this gift that God had given us with our closest friends and family. So we had a balloon release celebrating Honor's life. I was not expecting so many people to come because I know everyone has things going on in their own lives. I feel so blessed to have had the amount of support that we did. It was absolutely AMAZING! So many friends and family showed up to show their support for me and Tom and to celebrate and remember our sweet baby Honor.  It is a day I know we will never forget.  So thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being there for us and not forgetting. You all have no idea how much that means to us.

  Thanks to my wonderful mother, she was able to whip out these tutu wreaths so I had something to put at the cemetery on her birthday.  They look amazing and  are so sweet and were so appropriate for the occasion. I remember the one thing I kept thinking on that day was, "I wish she were here so that I could hang this at her birthday party, or in her bedroom." Then my next thought was, "gosh I bet she is having the best birthday party with Jesus right now." There is nothing more I want than to have her in my arms to this day even for just a few more seconds. We miss her every second of every single day. I know I cannot wait to be with her again. I know everyone says the first year is hard to get through but I think every year is hard to get through. It will always be tough for me to get through birthday's and holidays. The one thing I hold on tight to that helps me make it through these days is knowing that one day I will get to be with her again. 

 
  So as the weeks passed after that one year mark we made it through yet another set of holidays. I'm not sure that it was any easier than the year before, we just learned how to cope with it in a better way. During these holiday months I decided I needed to get over being angry and frustrated at my medicine and at my body and to start being proactive again, so that when we were ready to go back we weren't in another waiting period for all of my medicines to start working again. So over Christmas break I called Dr. Dayal and talked to her about how I wanted to approach coming back. I wanted to be on all of the same medicines I was on when the IUI worked the first time. The time I got pregnant with Honor. She agreed that it was worth a shot. I had already started taking all my daily medicines before I called her and after I talked to her I started back on birth control to keep my cycles regulated and I was also put back on a low dose steroid. I wanted to give all the medicines a chance to work for about the same amount of time that we gave them the first time. We decided that in March would be a good time to try again.   Before we could proceed with the IUI she wanted to check my uterus to make sure it was all clear. So I went in for a fluid ultrasound. I found out that I did have a polyp in my uterus and it needed removed before we could try again. On March 4 I went in for the surgery to remove the polyp. The surgery went great and she actually found 2 smaller polyps at the opening of my left Fallopian tube that she also removed. We are still planning on proceeding with another try at the end of this month/beginning of April. We are asking for prayers during the next few weeks to calm nerves and to not be so anxious as we wait to start everything.
 
  I will keep you updated on when we will start everything and exact dates on procedures. We ask for continued prayers through the whole process. If it works and I end up pregnant which is our hope and prayer then we have a whole 8-9 months of worry and waiting on our hands. If this doesn't work then we are back to square one and will need prayers in knowing what the next step is. Our ultimate goal is to end up with at our home with a baby in our arms. That is our hearts desire.  Thank you all for the prayers thus far and never leaving us in the difficult times.  We know that ultimately God is in control and He has His hand in all of this. No matter the outcomes we will always praise Him and give Him all of the glory.

Love,
Whitney & Tom