Praying for Peace

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything. Some of you may know we recently decided to go through an IVF cycle. We decided to try this spring and were hopeful that this would be our second chance. A second chance at becoming parents again and bringing home a baby of our own. 

   So it all started back on February 1. That was my first appointment with my nurse Amy. She is amazing by the way. Very compassionate and supportive and I'm so glad I requested her as my nurse. So that appointment she went over all the details of what would be involved in this cycle. It was very overwhelming and a lot to take in but I was so excited at the same time. On February 19th I started my medications. This involved daily shots and oral medications. After about a week and half I would start giving my self 2 shots daily plus all of the oral meds. It was very taxing physically. March 7th was my first ultrasound to check the growth of my follicles. There were about 10 follicles in each ovary that were growing and they were all between 12-16mm. I continued with 2 more days of stimulation shots and went back in on the 9th for another  check. We had about the same number on each side, maybe a few more that ranged between 13-18mm. So I was making progress. The Dr. decided to continue with one more day of meds and then I would take my trigger shot on March 10th. After my trigger shot I would go in for egg retrieval on Saturday, March 13th.  The day of retrieval, she was able to retrieve 25 eggs, and of those 25, 22 were fully mature. 

   From here on out it was a waiting game. They would fertilize them that day and then I would get a series of phone calls updating me on the growth of our embryos. The next day the nurse called and said that 12 had made it through fertilization.  My next call would be on day 3. Out of our 12 we had 6 that were considered good that day. On day 5, which was March 17, we went in for our transfer. We found out we had one that was good and ready. There were 2 more that they were waiting on to see if they would develop over the next day so that they could freeze them. So we transferred the best one out of the three. This whole process I prayed for peace and understanding. I prayed to God that He would help me let go of this situation, knowing I had no control over it. I felt at peace through the whole process. So much so that I just knew this was going to be it. This was going to be our next chance. 

   So at this point we were going through another waiting period. We had 8 days to go before we knew if this worked or not.  I went in for blood work on March 25th. I waited with Tom so we could find out together. My nurse, Amy called and the news was not what we were hoping and praying for. The blood test came back negative. At this point I couldn't do anything but cry. We are both heart broken and unsure of what we are going to do at this point. IVF is very taxing financially, physically and emotionally. My body went through a lot during this process. It would be easy to say yes, we will try again if we had embryos that were able to be frozen, waiting on us. But we didn't so we would have to go through the whole process over again. So, we are now at another point in our lives where we will wait and see what happens. We have to take some time to process all of this and to focus on ourselves and our health. I'm not sure what plans God has for us. I wish I knew. I wish I could see into my future, but that's not how it works. I still feel a peace about this situation and I"m not sure why. I feel like something is coming our way I just don't know when it's going to happen or how it's going to look. I will keep praying for peace and understanding and guidance through this journey. I will keep praying for God to help me lay this at His feet and let go of control of this situation.

  I am thankful for the group of girls I had praying for me and with me through this whole process. their friendship is a blessing and I am so glad God placed each and everyone of them in my life. I am thankful for the family we had praying for us as well. We have such a great support system and I know, no matter what we end up deciding they will always be there for us. 

Love,
Tom and Whit

   October is, among other things, infant loss awareness month. October 15th is infant loss awareness day, where at 7pm everyone lights a candle in memory of all the babies we have had to say good by to way too soon. This is near and dear to my heart as well as Tom's since we lost our sweet girl Honor coming up on two years this November. I encourage you all to say a prayer and light a candle this year.

    Losing a child is...well indescribable. The pain and grief stays with you always. I think about Honor every minute of every day and wonder what her life would be like here on earth with her mom and dad. I know that she is healthy and happy in the arms of Jesus but that doesn't lessen the pain we feel daily. We are pushing on in terms of growing our family. We don't know what this will look, but I know looking to the future and trying to control it does not good. God's plan for us was not meant to be understood, it's just way too big for us to wrap our minds around. So right now we are living in current second, minute, hour. We are waiting (sometimes impatiently) for the next steps. The next few months for us as a family will be hard. Having to live through another set of holidays, including her birthday, will be tough. After we get through the holidays we will look to see what our next steps should be. What God wants us to do. Do you all realize how scary that is to let go of control of your life and to give it all over to Him? It's scary because His plan, may not be your plan. What you think is best for you, may not really be what's best for you. SCARY!! 

    Before we got pregnant with Honor I prayed consistently and looked for guidance daily from God. I remember how good it felt to have prayers answered and to feel His presence. After we lost Honor that part of me slipped away without me even realizing it. Then this awesome group of ladies put together this prayer gathering a few weeks ago and that night I realized that I needed to find that part of me again. (p.s-don't kill me Lauren Martin! but from that night my baby sister Lauren accepted Christ as her Savior I am so so very proud of her and can't wait to see what God has in store for her) So, something I have learned over the past few weeks is that staying faithful to God by praying, reading the word, and praying some more is helping me to heal.  As bad as it hurts to have lost Honor, so much good has come out of that loss. She has touched so many lives in her short time here. I am able to be an encouragement and a light to others who have lost a child or who are still looking for the strength to carry on after that failed IVF or IUI. God's hand is in all of this. There is a fire that I found that night a few weeks ago, that reignited a lost part of myself and it feels good.  

   I hope this all makes sense.  I actually started typing a facebook post about Infant Loss Awareness and then it started turning into more than just that, so I just figured I would make another blog post since it had been a while.

   So please be in prayer for all the families who have lost a child no matter what age. Also be in prayer for us as we continue on our journey in growing our family and for my sister who is new to this christian life. We love you all and as always appreciate your love and support. 

Love,
Tom and Whit

Results that lead to confusion which pushes you for answers....

    So I know it's been a few weeks and I know most of you know by now that what we prayed for and hoped for didn't happen. I took a test about 12 days past when we did the IUI and it was negative. I was heart broken but still trying to convince myself that it was still a few days early. I was allowing myself to be a little hopeful until finally we knew for sure on Wednesday that it wasn't what he were hoping for. So I called my doctor because I was seriously at a loss. Why in the world will this process not work again. We have kept everything the same as the first time and I just wasn't understanding. So I made an appointment to go into see my doctor to see what her thoughts were on what we should do next.

    So I went in a few days later to see Dr. Dayal. When I talked to her the only test that hadn't been ran or ruled out was a test for Natural Killer cells. This is when my body sees the embryo as a foreign body and rejects it so it won't allow implantation to happen. Everyone has these cells, it's just that some people have an over abundance of them when they are trying to get pregnant. Well they drew my blood that afternoon and sent it off to be tested. The following Tuesday I got the results back. Part of me was hoping that this was why it hadn't been working so we would have an answer but the other part of me was hoping this wasn't the problem because it just makes things 10 times more complicated. When I talked to the nurse she told me that my NK cells were slightly elevated with a tendency to elevate even more under stimulation (implantation). So the fix for this is getting intralipid infusions. The safest course of treatment for us now would be to undergo IVF. 

  This course of treatment would allow Dr. Dayal to only transfer one embryo which would lessen the risk of multiples and lessen the chances of pre-term labor during our next pregnancy. This course of treatment coupled with the treatment from the high risk doctor would give us the best possible chance of carrying our next baby to full term, which is of course what we want. Even though she will only be transferring one embryo we still have a 60% success rate. We don't have a timeline on when all this will happen yet, as I'm sure most of you know that IVF is pretty expensive. I have applied for a grant and we should find out if we got the grant by the end of July. I'm hoping early to late fall we will be moving forward with IVF. Right now we greatly appreciate all prayers. This have been such a tough road and we want nothing more than to carry, deliver, and finally bring home a healthy baby boy or girl. Thank you again for all of your support! 

God Bless and love to you all! 
Tom and Whit

Day 12 Update!

   
   First of all I want to say THANK YOU Lord! Thank you for answering prayers, thank you for never leaving me even when the doubt and that fear kept finding it's way into my mind over the past few weeks. So Praise God, it is because of Him any of this is happening. 

   Second of all, we had our third appointment today. This was another ultrasound to check the growth of my follicles. If you remember on Wednesday I had one follicle on my right side measuring at 12mm. Today I am shocked and pleased to tell you I have two on my right side now, one is measuring at 14mm, the other is measuring at 12.5mm. I also have one follicle trying to catch up that is on my left ovary measuring at 11mm. My prayer this week was that the one would just keep growing, that it would stay put and grow, grow, grow. Never did I imagine that I would have gotten this good of results today. So again, Thank you Lord, Praise Jesus! 
  
   My doctor is keeping me on 150 units of medication for the next three days and I go back in on Tuesday for another check. Here's what we need. I need no more than three follicles to keep growing. IF any more than that decide to join the party we may have to cancel this cycle which would break my heart. So my prayer for the next three days is that the three that are growing will be the only three that keep growing. That when I go in Tuesday I will be ready for my trigger shot and Wednesday we can proceed with the IUI. 

   As I wrap up this post I just want to say how at peace I am with all of this. Yes I may have doubt and fear creep in but it does not stay long. I cry now because all of this, this whole situation feels completely right. I feel God working in all of this. So now I also thank God for Honor and blessing us with her because without her I would not be as strong in my faith. She renewed a hope and trust in us, and me especially that was at risk of being lost and I don't even want to think about where I would be spiritually if she hadn't been born. I miss her so much but at the same time I am now seeing a bigger plan, a plan that she was so much a part of.

   Keep praying!  I will update everyone Tuesday when we know more info! 

Love to you all!
Tom and Whit
   

Day 9 Update!

   Today I had another ultrasound appointment to check how my body was responding to the medication. When Dr. Dayal performed the ultrasound she saw one follicle on my right ovary that was already at 12mm. I was kind of shocked because I usually feel activity at this point but nothing ever really happens until my dose is doubled for about another week. I will be on three more days of medication at the higher dose and I go back in Saturday for another ultrasound. By this time this one follicle should be about ready if not all the way ready so that I can do my trigger shot after that. We still have a way to to go but praise the Lord our prayers are being answered! 

   So now we need prayers that this one follicle will keep growing and not disappear like they have done on me in the past. This all feels really good right now. Just keep praying and I will keep you updated as we get more news! 

   P.S.- Don't forget to keep praying for everyone else who is struggling with their health or other personal issues. We all know someone who needs daily prayers. :) 

Thank you and Love to all! 
Whit and Tom

Day Three...

    I told you all I would keep you updated. If this were happening earlier in the year I would have kept this all to myself. I know people are praying for us, and I've learned it's better to have full support no matter the outcome than to go through it alone. So I will be updating you every appointment, every step of the way so you know what to specifically pray for.  
   
   Thursday, our first day of spring break, was my first appointment to get this whole process going again.  I went in for a baseline ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts on my ovaries.  I have been really anxious and scared and nervous because no I have never had any cysts before but I also had never had any polyps until about two months ago. I knew anything could happen. I also know that God has his had in all of this. I know the outcome of this part of our lives has already been decided so I have prayed every night up until this appointment for God to give me the strength and guidance to fully trust in Him through all of this. At 10:15 we went into the ultrasound room and Dr. Dayal proceeded to check both ovaries and to my complete relief everything looked great. We talked about the dosage of medicine I would be on. Dr. Dayal had said she was going to try to mimic the dosage and time frame from when we got pregnant almost 2 years ago now. I have complete trust in her and pray daily that God will guide her to make decisions on our behalf that are in our best interest. So all that being said, I started my daily injections on Thursday. I will take the meds until Tuesday and go back in Wednesday for another ultrasound/follicle check to see how my eggs are growing and progressing.
   
   I find it interesting after going back and reading my last paragraph, as I'm checking for errors that I said I have complete trust in my Dr. but I find it hard to trust God's plan for me. How crazy town does that sound?!  I have found that letting go and giving it all to God and trusting that His plan is what is best for us has been one of the hardest things I have had to do or try to do. As a human we want to control our lives, we know ourselves best, we know what would be best for us right?! Well we think we do. I know what we want. We want to  get a positive pregnancy test. We want to have a pregnancy go full term. We want to deliver a healthy baby boy or girl. We want to bring that healthy baby into our new home and raise him or her to the best of our abilities. Sometimes I ask myself...God is that really too much to ask. Well, yes, it is, if that's not what is best for us a family,best for us as a husband and wife. I know God knows our  hearts desire is to have another baby and that's what we're praying for. I'm praying that that is His plan for us at this moment in time. I am also praying for understanding on our part if that's not the outcome we get in a couple weeks. 

   So here are a few specific prayer requests I have for us at the moment:
1.First and foremost, I know that we are not the only people going through trials at this moment in time. So please not only pray for Tom and me, but also keep Jason and Holly in your prayers and Kelly Griffin. Both families are battling cancer at this time. They, to me, are showing great strength and trust in God at a time when most would not. 
2. Please pray that no matter what we will lean on God and trust in His plan for us. He always comes first no matter what. All the glory goes to God. Pray that if this does not end up being God's plan for us that our hearts are open and willing to move onto whatever path He has for us.
3. Please pray that my body responds well to the meds and that our ultrasound results are positive on Wednesday.

  I want to thank you for praying for us for so long. I know I said this all the time but your love and support is greatly appreciated. 

   I will let you all know how Wednesday goes! 
   
   Love to all!
Tom and Whit

One year and counting...

  I know it's been a while since I have posted anything. I think in my last post I was telling you all about our high risk doctor that we found and the information he told us about what he thought happened.

  Since then we have been back to see our fertility doctor twice. The first time was in May. At that point we thought my body was kind of regulating itself so we only did the injections to help my body produce mature eggs and ovulate. Unfortunately it did not work. So we waited a few months and tried again in July. This time we wanted to proceed with another IUI. So we did. I found out the week we started our new school year that it did not work. I was devastated.  I was angry, sad, confused, and hurting. I was so mad that I just quit taking my daily medicines to help keep my body regulated. I was kind of at that point where I was saying "what is the point?!" (not the best idea i've had) Our hearts yearn for another baby. I was just sure it was going to work this time because in my mind I was thinking, "it worked once, why wouldn't it work again". God obviously had other plans for us at that time.  So, because we save our money to be able to do this we decided to take some time off. I was not in the state of mind to try again at that point. We needed time to save our money. I needed time to process everything. Time to pray and a clear mind to listen. 

  In the mean time the new school year had started. I had a new bunch of kids who kept me busy and on my toes and most importantly my mind off of things. (for the most part anyway) September and October flew by without incident. then November came crashing in. The one year mark was quickly approaching. I knew I wanted to do something to remember Honor. She was alive and with us even for just the shortest time. I wanted to remember that short time and celebrate this gift that God had given us with our closest friends and family. So we had a balloon release celebrating Honor's life. I was not expecting so many people to come because I know everyone has things going on in their own lives. I feel so blessed to have had the amount of support that we did. It was absolutely AMAZING! So many friends and family showed up to show their support for me and Tom and to celebrate and remember our sweet baby Honor.  It is a day I know we will never forget.  So thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being there for us and not forgetting. You all have no idea how much that means to us.

  Thanks to my wonderful mother, she was able to whip out these tutu wreaths so I had something to put at the cemetery on her birthday.  They look amazing and  are so sweet and were so appropriate for the occasion. I remember the one thing I kept thinking on that day was, "I wish she were here so that I could hang this at her birthday party, or in her bedroom." Then my next thought was, "gosh I bet she is having the best birthday party with Jesus right now." There is nothing more I want than to have her in my arms to this day even for just a few more seconds. We miss her every second of every single day. I know I cannot wait to be with her again. I know everyone says the first year is hard to get through but I think every year is hard to get through. It will always be tough for me to get through birthday's and holidays. The one thing I hold on tight to that helps me make it through these days is knowing that one day I will get to be with her again. 

 
  So as the weeks passed after that one year mark we made it through yet another set of holidays. I'm not sure that it was any easier than the year before, we just learned how to cope with it in a better way. During these holiday months I decided I needed to get over being angry and frustrated at my medicine and at my body and to start being proactive again, so that when we were ready to go back we weren't in another waiting period for all of my medicines to start working again. So over Christmas break I called Dr. Dayal and talked to her about how I wanted to approach coming back. I wanted to be on all of the same medicines I was on when the IUI worked the first time. The time I got pregnant with Honor. She agreed that it was worth a shot. I had already started taking all my daily medicines before I called her and after I talked to her I started back on birth control to keep my cycles regulated and I was also put back on a low dose steroid. I wanted to give all the medicines a chance to work for about the same amount of time that we gave them the first time. We decided that in March would be a good time to try again.   Before we could proceed with the IUI she wanted to check my uterus to make sure it was all clear. So I went in for a fluid ultrasound. I found out that I did have a polyp in my uterus and it needed removed before we could try again. On March 4 I went in for the surgery to remove the polyp. The surgery went great and she actually found 2 smaller polyps at the opening of my left Fallopian tube that she also removed. We are still planning on proceeding with another try at the end of this month/beginning of April. We are asking for prayers during the next few weeks to calm nerves and to not be so anxious as we wait to start everything.
 
  I will keep you updated on when we will start everything and exact dates on procedures. We ask for continued prayers through the whole process. If it works and I end up pregnant which is our hope and prayer then we have a whole 8-9 months of worry and waiting on our hands. If this doesn't work then we are back to square one and will need prayers in knowing what the next step is. Our ultimate goal is to end up with at our home with a baby in our arms. That is our hearts desire.  Thank you all for the prayers thus far and never leaving us in the difficult times.  We know that ultimately God is in control and He has His hand in all of this. No matter the outcomes we will always praise Him and give Him all of the glory.

Love,
Whitney & Tom



 

We have some answers

Well I told you I would update you as soon as we had some information. So here it is. :)


Thanks to some great friends and a fantastic fertility specialist we got the name of a doctor who specializes in pre-term labor. He is a High Risk OB who practices at Missouri Baptist in St. Louis. His name is Dr. Michael Paul. When he came into the exam room the first thing he said after he introduced himself was I was going to be an easy case. Those words made me relax immediately. He started off by asking us some questions about what I was feeling before labor and how the labor ended.  Then he asks me if anyone has ever told me I had a small cervix. I kind of thought this was going to come up at this point but wasn't sure until he asked me that question.  I told him no. Then he asked me if anyone said anything to me about having a shortened cervix at my 20 week ultrasound.  The answer was of course no.  He said a normal cervix averages between 30-35 mm. At my 20 week ultrasound to my surprise my cervix was only measuring 19mm. I immediately asked him why no one said anything to me about it and why it wasn't a concern at that time.  He, of course, could not answer that question.  But what he could tell us is how he is going to prevent all of this from happening again.  Dr. Paul diagnosed me with a weak cervix. He said technically he can't diagnose me with an incompetent cervix unless I have lost two pregnancies.  Which he said he was not going to let happen.  At this point he started going into what our course of action was going to be when I got pregnant again.  He said between weeks 12-14 he would put in a cervical cerclage. For those of you who don't know, he will be putting a stitch (he explained this 'stitch' being the thickness and width of a shoe string) in the bottom of my cervix to help keep it closed so I can carry as close to full term as possible. He said he will also put me on progesterone shots at that time as well until the end of my pregnancy.  He will take the stitch out at 36 weeks and allow me to be 'normal' for a few weeks before baby gets here. Dr. Paul also told us he would be the one delivering and the only Dr. we would see throughout my whole pregnancy. He said I will see him quite a bit even starting out in my pregnancy I will see him twice a month with lots of ultrasounds. I was reassured that he is going to be watching me very closely. He told me and Tom that most of the time after the cerclage is put in and a few days rest the majority of his patients go on to work full time and until the end of their pregnancy.  This was great news for me since I am a teacher and I have kids to think about at work too.  Regardless we are prepared to do whatever we need to do in order for us to bring a baby home next time. With my impending 'due date' approaching this has me thinking more about the 'what ifs' or 'could haves'.  I so long to bring a baby home in my arms.  I say 'I' but I know Tom feels the same way as well.  We are so anxious to have a little brother or sister for Honor.  We are praying that God's will be done.  We know I can get pregnant, now it's just a matter of if we can do it on our own or if we are going to need a little help.  Our hope and prayer is that we will be blessed with a child on our own and not need that little extra push to get things going. We are so glad to have found a doctor how is going to be so proactive and keep us safe. Someone who is so knowledgeable in their field.  We feel very safe with him. I think that's all for now. Please keep the prayers coming and we hope to share some more good news very very soon. :) I just keep reminding myself God has a plan and Honor was a huge part of that plan. We would not be where we are now with out her. We miss our sweet girl.
Love
Tom and Whit

The Start of Our Family...

I'm not even really sure where to begin.  I guess back at the beginning would be the logical choice. So here it goes...

June/July 2013:The last post I had written I had finally responded to the injections. At that point I had about less than a week to go before it was time to schedule the IUI. There were so many emotions running through my mind. I remember writing that it seemed like we were already pregnant. When I know the medicine was working it felt like there had been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. My soul felt at peace, if that makes any kind of sense at all. It was as if God was talking to me saying I had this the whole time there's no need to feel burdened. So it my hear I knew it was going to work. around the 18th of June I think is when we did the IUI. Then the dreaded two week wait. After six years of trying you would think that 2 more weeks would be a piece of cake.  Well not when you analyze every little change in your body. I felt like a lunatic and knew that I needed to chill out because I was going to drive myself as well as Tom crazy if I didn't.  But you know what they say, when you know, you know; and let me tell you I knew.  There were changes I was feeling that I had never felt before in my life and I knew that only meant one thing.  I was growing a person inside of me. After 6 years I knew our prayers were being answered. I think it was the week of 4th of July when I could take a home test and get a firm result whether it was positive or negative.   I ended up taking a test July 2nd.  No one knew but me and Tom and well Lauren. So it was July 2nd around 2:30 in the morning.  I had been having to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night for about a week now. I was going to wait until Tom got up with me but my curiosity had gotten the best of me and I took out a pregnancy test.  I had been talking to myself telling myself at that moment if it came out negative it was too early because it hadn't been a full 2 weeks yet. Well after about 2 minutes I look down at the test and think for sure my eyes are tricking me because I was pretty sure I saw a very faint blue line. This is where Lauren comes in.  I needed her to look at it too.  I could have woken Tom up but I didn't want to tell him yet just in case it was me being nuts.  Lauren finally texts me back and meets me in the bathroom and confirms that she too sees the faint line.  I was jumping out of my skin with excitement.  I couldn't believe it, after 6 years of seeing all those crummy negative tests I finally get to see a positive!!

I went straight up stairs and told Tom we were finally pregnant.  Of course his reaction was priceless, exact words, I still remember them to this day..."ok, go back to sleep".  There was no way I was getting any sleep after that.  I called my fertility nurse as soon as the office opened and they sent me over for blood work that morning.  She called me as soon as she got the results and said I was indeed pregnant.  I went back two days later, on 4th of July to be exact to check my numbers again and they were doubling like they should be.  It wasn't until this day, July 4th, that we decided to tell our parents.  We wanted to make sure my numbers were doing what they were supposed to be first.  So Tom comes up with this idea on how to tell him mom. (pinterest) I also had an idea on how I wanted to tell my parents. On the way home from getting the second round of blood work we stopped in at Dollar General and picked up a pair little bitty flip flops and when we got home we took a picture of our shoes with the year we were born and the year of the baby's expected year. On our way to his parents we stopped in at Wal Mart

got a can of Prego Spaghetti sauce and I made a sign to add to the Prego part of the jar. We took it to his moms and asked them if they had ever seen a jar like this. Thinking they would pick up on it. Well his dad did, but his mom needless to say did not.  She just kept saying what's wrong with it, I've never seen one like this. Her reaction was pretty priceless when she finally figured it out. I e-mailed my parents the picture of our shoes and to say they were excited would be an understatement. Now that all the exciting news was out we were talking about the next steps in the whole process.  We still hadn't had an ultra sound or seen a heart beat yet.  So we definitely weren't out of the clear quite yet. So I made an appointment after the second round of blood tests to come in for my very first OB Ultra Sound.  When the receptionist said those words I was grinning from ear to ear. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would get to this point.  So around July 11th we went in to see our fertility doctor to confirm the pregnancy through ultrasound.  We were measuring right on track and I was indeed pregnant! Never had a baby looked so cute until right at that moment.I couldn't believe that this picture right

here was our baby. This tiny little person was growing inside of me. I don't care what anyone says that right there is a miracle from God. He had blessed us with the greatest gift of all besides dying for us on the cross for our salvation.  He sent this miracle to us. After that appointment was a lot of waiting in between. I was obviously not far enough to see a heart beat. We had to wait a few more weeks for that. So wait we did, and let me tell you it was worth it.  All of this was worth the wait. Around the week of July 25th I went back in for another Ultra Sound to confirm a heart beat. I was nervous as all get out.  Tom on the other hand was holding it together pretty well.   My mom got to be there with me to witness this as well.  As soon as the Dr. spotted the little squirt Tom immediately saw the heart beating, which was odd because I had to have it pointed out to me. You would think it would be the other way around. I will never forget this day.

This was one of the happiest days of our lives.

August-November: After we confirmed a heartbeat I was finally released from the care of my fertility doctor.  She is so amazing I wish she could have seen me through until the end. I started Dr. Hamai in Washington on August 8th. Everything was going well.  I was measuring right on track the babies heart beast was good and strong. We had nothing to worry about. I busied myself with getting ready to start the new school year and looking forward to seeing my kids again after the summer.  Life was good. In September we had a real scare. I started bleeding at 12 weeks.  I went straight to the ER and got checked out.  They did a full work up, checked my cervix and did and Ultra Sound to check out the baby.  The heart rate at that time was 176. Good and strong.  We were sent home to take it easy and to follow up with Dr. Hamai the next day. That very next day was when he found her heart rate on the Doppler.  Which was also the day I decided I needed one of those handy little things to help put my mind at ease. I know people say not to order them that it will just make you go crazy with worry because you normally can't find the heart beat with them but I didn't care. I was going to get one and i did.  I ordered one online and listened to her heart beat every morning and every night, that is when I could find it. She was pretty small at that point so it sometimes took a while to find it. It wasn't long after that, probably around week 18-20 when I started feeling movement. It's hard to wrap your mind around that and getting used to feeling another human being moving inside of your stomach. That's when it really started sinking in that I was going to have a baby. At the end of October I scheduled my 20 week ultrasound.  This was the big one. The one where we would find out if we were have a little boy or a little girl.  I think both Tom and I knew it was a girl the whole time but everyone else kept saying boy, including his mother.  The day finally came, Tom, myself, his mom and my sister and niece went with us to the room.  I saw the baby moving right away. It was the coolest thing ever. She tried looking for the gender right away but those little legs were closed. She went about taking measurements, well trying anyway.  The baby was not wanting to cooperate. She was moving A LOT! The Ultrasound Tech finally got the shot in between the legs. I knew as soon as she paused the screen it was a girl.  We were beyond thrilled.  This would be the second grand daughter on his moms side and the first on his side.  She was measuring right on track. We
would be welcoming little Honor Elizabeth in March! The next few weeks stayed busy. My little sister, Lauren was getting Married in 2 weeks, so we kept ourselves busy getting ready for the wedding.  It was the prettiest wedding, and Lauren looked gorgeous in her dress.  Everyone had the best time.  Although we were thrilled that she was married, we were also THRILLED that it was over. :) We were so exhausted.  So the next day we spent resting and processing everything that had happened.  We were looking forward to the baby shower in February and Honor's arrival in March.  Little did we know we would be meeting her in a little less than two days.  This is the part that everyone knows about. This is the part that hurts the most.  This is the part that I never thought I would be writing about, but in all honesty it makes me feel better when I do.  Monday afternoon probably around 1:00, I went into my Aunt's classroom to visit for a few minutes before my third graders came in for the afternoon.  I was talking to her about how my lower back had been hurting and how tired I was. I chalked it up to the wedding and how I still hadn't recovered from it quite yet.  Never did I think I would end up in the hospital in the hours to come.  When I got home from work I called the doctors office because it felt like Honor was laying across my bladder and wouldn't move because I had to go to the bathroom it seemed like every 20 minutes.  The nurse told me to lay on my left side and drink lots of water.  IF it didn't stop within the hour to call the on call doctor back because the office was getting read to close. Well this is the part that gets me every time and I'm not going to go into much detail because it's just not worth it.  In a nutshell I started having lower abdominal pain along with the back pain and I could feel my lower abdomen contracting.  I didn't know that's what is was because this was obviously my first time being pregnant. Went to the hospital to get checked out and they sent me home and told me it was round ligament pain.  The pain never stopped, it kept getting worse throughout the night. When I finally decided i needed to go to the hospital I knew I couldn't make it back to Washington. Partly because of the pain and there was no way I was going to make it in a car for 45 minutes. So we ended up at Sullivan.   Never thought I would end up there, nor did I ever want too. But I am glad we did. I was very happy with the care we received and the way they treated us.  Within 20-25 minutes of arriving I was back in Labor and Delivery. The nurses were trying to figure out what was going on when my water broke. Honor Elizabeth Bridgeman had arrived to meet us at 3:58 AM, weighing 14.5 oz and measuring 10.5 inches long.  She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid my eyes on. When Tom held her my heart melted even more. She was a fighter.  She had a strong spirit. We held her for about an hour before the Lord took her back.  When she was born I prayed and prayed that He would save her, and He did.  He had much bigger plans for her than we could have ever imagined.  We didn't know it then but Honor was going to keep blessing us in ways we could have never imagined.  
Most of our family got to see and hold her and love her.  Everyone was such a great support to us. The days to come were the hardest we would ever have to go through.  I'm so glad we had my sisters there with us and all of our family and friends in the days ahead.  Thursday, November 7th was the day we laid Honor to rest. It was with out a doubt, hands down the hardest day of our lives. I remember telling Tom the night before I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to see Thursday's light, because that would mean all of what just happened wasn't a dream.  
 

It was very real.  At those times in our lives we all wish we could turn back time and be a kid again where you don't have to deal with all the hard stuff. Being and adult is tough and it is so painful, but also brings lots of joy if you have the strength and the faith to hold on a little bit longer.  That's exactly what we did. We held on. Held on to each other, held onto our Faith and Trust in God, held onto our families and to our church family.  With out all of those people I'm not sure where we would be right now.

All of this brings me to the next part of our life.  We started a family. We have a daughter, we are parents but it doesn't stop there.  Even though Honor was only here for a short time what I'm about to tell you next would never have happened with out her.  It is now January 29th.  That is the day I went to visit Dr. Dayal, my fertility doctor on what our plans were and how we wanted to proceed with treatments.  After talking to her about some blood tests I had gotten back she came back with a comment I never thought I would hear.  She said she thinks my body is reversing itself.  She said her gut feeling is that we may not need interventions as far as medicines to help me ovulate. I had told her that at the end of December I had gotten a positive ovulation test.  Which has never happened unless I was on medicine to force ovulation.  We talked some more and she ordered some blood work. She also talked to me about why she thought I went into labor and delivered so early but I"m not prepared to share that information here until I see the High Risk Doctor. When the blood work came back I was told that I had in fact ovulated within the last month.  So the next step is to wait for a period to start on its own or to call back by February 10th if it hasn't so they can force one.  I was pretty sure I wasn't going to start on my own. I knew that I would have to make that call on the 10th to have them call me in some medicine to force a cycle.  to my complete surprise I started on my own. I almost started crying because this hasn't happened for the past six years.  You typically don't hear of someone being excited that they started a cycle.  But I totally was.  It was almost as if I was pregnant as crazy as that sounds.  So now I go in to see Dr. Dayal on Friday, February 7th to check my uterus and make sure it is clear, and we also see a high risk OB for a pre-pregnancy consult. His name is Dr. Paul and he is a doctor at Missouri Baptist in St. Louis ,which is where we will deliver our next baby. We will be at a hospital with a NICU and be under the care of doctors who specialize in pre-term labor in case anything were to happen again. Never did I think that we would be at a point where we could possibly get pregnant on our own.  But it looks like that may be a possibility. 

So now we are back to waiting. We will see what the High Risk doctor has to say and go from there.   I will update everyone with information soon.  We have decided that if we do get pregnant I am going to go into hiding until the baby is due so.....Only kidding,but seriously we are going to be pretty cautious about when we tell everyone we are pregnant again. What happened is still so very fresh and very scary.  We appreciate all of the prayers you have given up so far.  We will appreciate prayers for the upcoming doctors appointments and upcoming months as we try to add another new addition to our family soon.  

Love,
Whitney and Tom

   

Just a big waiting game!

As some of you already know, we started going back to the doctor about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  I have been on a break for about 3 months, taking three different medications to help bring my hormone levels down. After school let out we went back a week later and during the first ultra sound she checked for cysts.  I was clear and at that point I was put back on injections.  I was a little concerned with the type of injection she put me on because I had been on it before and responded not at all.  Then I had to remind myself that I wasn't on any type of medicine to help my hormone levels, so instead of questioning I trusted the doctor.  She has been right thus far and knows how much we want this to work so I knew she wasn't taking this lightly. On day's 3-5 I injected 75iu of Bravelle. When we went in for an ultrasound check I only had a few follicles that were measuring between 7 and 8. This had me concerned, but she reassured me she started me on the lowest possible dose and she expected this.  I stayed on 75iu's for the next couple of days and went in again and they grew between 8 and 9 this time. So we were progressing but very very slowly.  At this point she doubled my dose through the weekend. When I came back in they were between 10 and 12. I was kept on the same dose for a few more days and when I came back I had 2 follicles on my right ovary that were at 13mm and one on my left that was at 10mm.  At this point I was getting excited because this was the biggest they have ever been.  So I was kept on the same medicine, same dose over the weekend.  When we came back for another check to my surprise on my right ovary I had one at a 16 and the one on my left grew to a 17! She said they like them to be between 16 and 20 mm before we do the trigger shot to induce ovulation, so we are right on target.  I couldn't believe it and neither could she. I think the Dr. was just as excited as we were. So the plan is to take another dose of medicine to allow them to grow a little bit more, trigger the next day and IUI after that! Only time will tell at this point. It's always a waiting game with this process, but it will all be worth it in the end. I honestly can't believe we are this far.  It's almost as if we are already pregnant.  I think it helps that even if it doesn't end up as a pregnancy we know what will work now.  Our prayers are being answered and I thank God every day for allowing us to get even this far.  I know with out Him none of this would be possible.  I want to thank everyone for lifting us up in prayer. We still have a long way to go so please keep praying for us. We are halfway through the process and we are very much thankful and praising Him for getting us this far. Again, thank you for praying and keep them coming.

Getting anxious...

I was sitting on the couch tonight as Tom is snoring beside me looking at some videos on SHER's Facebook page of couples getting to see the first ultrasound after they found out they were pregnant. It was so encouraging and emotional getting to see someones hopes become a reality; and it really got me thinking tonight.  So I decided instead of sitting there listening to Tom snore and getting emotional by myself, I should give an update of where we are in our journey. Here is an update of what happened in Jan./Feb. and what is to come at the end of May. 

January: We went back to the SHER Institute to try for the IUI.  I had my baseline ultra sound to rule out any cysts on my ovaries.  Then I started FSH injections on days 4-8 of my cycle.  On Day 9 I went in for another ultra sound to see if the follicles were responding at all.  At this point all we wanted was to get past this ultra sound.  It was at this point about a year ago at around the same time that we found out my body wasn't responding at all to the injections I was on.  Well, we got some good news, I was responding. I had some follicles at 9 mm, and there was one between 10 and 11 mm.  We were pretty excited, but they still had a ways to go.  My Dr. had me take 3 more days of injections and then I was to go back in and she was going to re-check them.  Well four days and one ultra sound later we found out that it wasn't working as well as it should have been and that cycle was canceled. I was so disappointed but at the same time all that we asked and prayed for was to get past that first ultrasound.  So my instructions were to wait on a new cycle and if it didn't come within the next two weeks to call. Well about a week and a half later I started a cycle on my own.  This was the first time I have started on my own in about a 6 months.  So now we are into February.

February: The doctor is just as puzzled as we are at this point as to what protocol (fertility meds) to put me on.  Because I have so many follicles she didn't want to put me on injections again and risk over stimulation, especially if I am cycling on my own at this point.  So we tried Femara, which is a pill, kind of like clomid only not.  So I started the Femara on day 5 and took it through day 9.  Unfortunatley this did not do what we had hoped.  My follicles hardly responded at all and the lining of my uterus was pretty thin compared to when I was on the injections. At this point I felt pretty defeated.  She took another look at my blood work and noticed my androgen levels were above normal and she was surprised that since my Family Physican had diagnosed me with PCOS that I wasn't on Metformin which helps to counteract the symptoms.  Soooo at this point I was put on Metformin and Dexamethasone, along with my thyroid medication to see if that would help bring my hormone levels back to a neutral enough state that the medicine would kick in and work. I was scheduled to come back in 5 days to check my follicles again.  Needless to say it didn't work, once again. 

It was really hard at that point to feel like I even had a chance.  I felt like giving up. Let me tell you, it really sucks getting that kind of news and having to go into work and teach your kids without breaking down and crying.  Later on that day I e-mailed my doctor and asked her if she knew why I wasn't responding, if this was normal, and if she even felt like I had a chance even taking all this medicine and waiting.  This is what I love about the SHER Institute.  Dr. Dayal took time out of her busy afternoon to just call me back instead of e-mailing me.  She reassured me that they look at two things when a woman is not responding to meds..1. If I have been through menopuase already (which at this point they know I haven't because of my age and becuase of my ovarian reserve) and 2. If my androgen levels are high. She said if we can get my hormone levels to a neutral state then I should respond to the injections.  This really put my mind at ease.  It has seemed like an eternity waiting to try again since the end of February, but the time is almost here to give it another go.  Since the last ultra sound when we found out it didn't work, Dr. Dayal put me on 1500 mg of Metformin, 1 mg of Dex, a birth control pack to keep me cycling regularly (which will also help bring my androgen levels down) and my thyroid medication.  Taking all this medication has left me with some side effects that I could definitley do with out.  But I just keep telling myself in the end it will all be work it.  Tom and I recently went to a fertility seminar that the SHER institute put on at their clinic in St.Louis. We found out a lot of good information and just felt more encouraged as the day went on that we are on the right path.  The path to finally starting a family. 

The Future: As of right now I have a month and a half of birth control I will continue to take, which will put me at the end of May. I wanted to time it this way so that I could be done with the school year and not have to stress about leaving my kids during MAP testing or finishing up last minute meetings. I figure the less stress the better.  I will continue to take the Dex, Metformin and Thyroid meds until they tell me to stop. So the end of May is when we will go back and try again  I am getting very anxious.  Every time we go back we get a little closer to our goal. I will admit that it doesn't make it easy seeing friends and family go through what we have been praying and believeing in for that past going on 5 years now. But I know God has a plan for us. He knows our hearts desires. We would appreciate more prayers and to be kept on your prayer list throughout our journey.  I will update as the time gets closer to share more news.

Third times a charm!

   Ok. So here it goes again.  Let me start with the latest news.I got an e-mail back in November that the doctor I was seeing has decided to leave the practice. It also said that Dr. Sher who is at the Las Vegas office was coming to STL to train another doctor but would be taking over the STL office in the mean time.  So now I am seeing Dr. Dayal. I have seen her about 4 times now and I love her.  She has been through the infertility journey herself so now I am seeing a Dr. who can actually relate to what I am feeling and going through.

   We decided to start trying again in January.  I called my doctor and they started me on provera to have a cycle.  I was put on follistim, which are injections for 5 days.  I went in for an Ultrasound to check my follicles on January 30.  We got some of the best news, it was working! I had one follicle measuring 10 mm, and the lining of my uterus was thickening.  All good signs.  My doctor put me on 2 more days of injections and I went back on Friday to re-check my follicles.  The one that was measuring 10mm had grown to almost 11mm. Not such a good sign, but she was willing to push me as far as my body would allow. The doctor was puzzled at this point because I should have been responding almost too well to the injections. She said there were only two reasons I shouldn't be. 1. IF i've already been through menopause, which isn't the case because I have tons of follies, and 2. IF my androgen levels were elevated.  After looking at my blood work she had seen that they had been so she put me on a pill to try and bring those levels down enough to allow the meds to work the way they were supposed too.   I continued injections along with the other med through the weekend and went back in the following Monday, February 4th to make a final decision. It was not the news we were hoping for.  My follicles had not grown to the size they needed to be in order for us to continue with the IUI.  So that cycle was canceled.  It was very disappointing.  We were expecting it to work this time since we got past that first Ultrasound.  I think the doctor was just as let down as we were.  She said to call her in the next two weeks when I started another cycle and they could get me going again and in the mean time she would look back at my chart and see if there was something else we could do. 

    So now I'm counting down the days until I can call them in order to start the provera again to get another cycle going.  Well as it turns out I had to call them, but not to get help starting another cycle.  I had started one on my own this time.  So I called my doctor on Tuesday and I went in for an Ultrasound on Wednesday (2/13) to get a baseline.  I didn't have any cysts on my ovaries. Good sign! We are trying a new cocktail.  I am now on metformin to help bring down my androgen levels, and instead of doing injections I am on famara which is a pill.  It's similar to clomid which I have been on before with no success, but she said sometimes women will respond better to famara. Soooooooo.....I go back on Wednesday February 20 for an ultrasound to see what's going on with my follicles. I am feeling really good about this.  We have gotten further in our journey in the past month than we ever have before.  We are praying hard, God knows the desire of our hearts and we just pray that this is His will for us.  I feel something coming, I know in my heart something big is about to happen. We have a big appointment coming up,  So we are asking for lots of prayers at this time. 

Pray

Nothing from my last post has changed, except this.  I am asking for prayers right now.  We are digging for more answers and looking at some new options right now and I ask that you pray for guidance for us through this part of our journey.  Thanks so much.

Love,
Whitney and Tom

An explanation...

I know for most people it's hard to understand what we're going through or anyone in the same situation as us for that matter. My best friend sent me this link and I'm posting it here so maybe more of you will understand what I can't put into words sometimes. This is how we feel and so much more.  Have lots of tissues ready becuase the tears will be flowing.

Love,

 Whit

It's all a waiting game.

It's been a while since I have given any kind of update, so here it is.  We have decided not to proceed with another round of injections and the IUI until later this fall.  Since my last update I interviewed for a teaching position for this upcoming school year and I got it!! I also started taking the last two General Ed. courses I needed to finish up my degree and recieve my diploma. That alone, along with the stress of a new job and trying to figure out where to start there, we didn't feel like it would be a good idea to add trying to have a baby in the mix.  This will also give me time to keep working on getting my liver function counts lower and be healthier for when we do proceed.  The staff at SIRM was amazing and totally supportive when I told them we were going to wait until later this year. Waiting is not something I do well. When I first got the news about my body not responding to the injections, I was devestated at first. I was just so sure that it was going to work and this was going to be it for us.  That obviously was not our time.  It took me a while to get to a place where I was at peace with where we were in our journey.  It was not easy.  I prayed a lot, cried a lot, talked about it over and over trying to figure out what went wrong. Then I realized it's not up to me, it's up to God.  I think we forget sometimes that with out Him we are nothing.  I know that we wouldn't have gotten where we were and gotten the answers we had been waiting for if we didn't have God at our side. I know there is still hope, by His mercy and grace we will have a baby of our own someday.  At that point I knew I was at peace with everything.  I knew it becuase I wasn't worrying about it so much, I wasn't fixated on it.  I know at this point waiting is the best thing for us. It gives me a chance to be healthier for myself and if I do get pregnant.  I say 'if' because I just don't know if it will happen that way. Lately I have struggled with this more and more.  I see other women in the store who are pregnant and I get sad, I hear about friends who are pregnant and see baby pictures and I get sad. I think because before I gave my worries over to God and I felt like I was doing so well and forgot that I still need Him. I think we all do that sometimes, we say to ourselves, "God I got this now, you can take a break I don't think I need you right now", when in reality the only reason we 'got it' is because of Him. So I'm at a place again where I need to be reminded and remind myself to lean on Him and rely on Him for strength and courage and the patience .  I have to take it day by day and make a decision, to either be angry and sad and dwell on the things I can't control or to be thankful for what I have now, right in front of me.  We have talked about adoption in passing before.  I have always said I don't know when the best time will be to proceed if that's what we feel like we should do.  I was talking to one of my great friends the other day and she said, is there really a time when God will tell you, no you shouldn't reach out to the orphans in the world and love them and cherish them.  I know that wouldn't happen.  I don't know what will happen.  I am still hopeful we will be ready financially, emotionally and spiritually later on this year to still try again with the injections and the IUI.  In the mean time I will be praying and getting stronger and healthier and focus on what I have right in front of me.  I am leaving it up to God.  I know He will help me and us to steer us down the right path.  I am so thankful for all the support and love I have around me through this whole journey. I will keep you updated in the coming months as to what's going to happen. In the mean time keep praying and thank you all for supporting us! 
 On another note....I saw the movie trailer for "The Odd Life of Timothy Green".  I think this is going to be a great movie to watch and it kind of hits home for us and I know alot of other couples who are struggling with the same thing we are. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhaPxj1EIhg&feature=player_detailpage

We're shutting you down...

Yesterday was a bittersweet day for me.  I had my ultrasound to check my follicles to see how much they had grown since I had beeing taking the injections, and I also graduated with my Bachelors in Education from Missouri Baptist.  We had a lot going on and I'm still processing everything that happened.  I keep asking myself, "Is it something I did?", "Maybe I wasn't giving the injections correctly." ...so many questions, so much sadness because I was not responding to the medicine so they "shut me down this cycle".  I went in feeling so confident that they were going to be so excited that my follicles were where they needed to be and we could proceed with the IUI.  I could tell by looking on the ultrasound screen that something wasn't right.  She wasn't excited about anything and she didn't measure any follicles, she asked me to get dressed and they would talk to me when I got done.  The nurse told me that Dr. Alhering would give me a call within the hour to let me know how they were going to proceed.  So as I'm driving to the University to pick up my cap and gown I get the call....and it definitley was not the call I was expecting. It was Dr. Alhering's nurse and she says to me that thye are 'shutting me down this cycle', that I'm not responding to the medicine and they are going to put me on a new type of med for my next cycle and see what that does. 
Everyone always says to me, "It's all in God's timing, it may not be when we want but he will never give you what you can't handle". Well maybe I was so dead set on doing this that I missed or looked past those signs that were telling me to wait.  First with the financial burden that it would have, you know after a few days of worrying I had pretty much gotten comfortable with the fact that we were going to have to wait. Then we ended up with the means to go forward a few days after that.  Next was the pharmacy fiasco.  They gave me the wrong dose of medicine three different times then had to over night the rest of it from California. Do you think that was God speaking loud and clear that it wasn't time yet?  I don't know what to think. What I do know now is that eight hundred dollars and five injections later it didn't work.  I thought about this all day yesterday.  The things I could have done different, why it didn't work, how do I know when the right time is, and then the feeling of sadness, and at times anger because why is it so easy for others who just take a pill, why do the ones who don't even want children get to have them, why do they get that gift from God? Then I remember, it's not my place to judge, I don't get to decide who deserves that miracle or when it happens to me, everything happens for a reason according to His plan for you. Then the feelings of sadness come back because I don't know why it wouldn't work and I am ready for it too.  It seems like throughout this whole process everything was working against us.  I know there are a lot of people praying for us right now and I think now is when we've needed it more than ever.  I still don't think we would have gotten this far with all the positive answers if we weren't supposed to try this route and walk down this path of treatment.  I knew it was going to be hard and I knew there was a chance that it might not work the first time I just didnt' expect to be "shut down" this early in the game. 
The next step: The doctor called in a prescription for me to start my next period.  Then on day one of my cycle I will call them and they will then let me know what the plan of action is.  I'm unsure if we will have the financial means to get the medicine, because it's a different kind I"m not sure how much it's going to be so we may have to wait until the next cycle, but I will keep you updated. We will proceed either way. Please keep praying and thank you so much for all of the support you have given us.
Love,
Whitney and Tom

Hold your breath, cross your fingers and toes and PRAY

So I wasn't sure if we were going to update everyone on what we are doing so that's why I haven't posted anything in a while until I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a few extra prayers floating around out there.  In my last post I informed you that we are proceeding with the IUI this cycle.  Those  hopes were almost stopped by yet another obstacle to overcome which were the financial burdens of this procedure.  I e-mailed the doctor's office about how much everything was going to be and when I found out and brought the information back to Tom we had some figuring and thinking to do but it looks like everything is going to work out and we can move forward with this cycle. I went and picked up the medicine that I will be taking starting on day 5 of my cycle.  They are going to be the injections and when I met with the pharmacist she said to me, "I have no idea how this works".  I thought to my self, ...'Seriously!?' So it looks like I will be calling my doctors office on Monday to see if they can explain to me over the phone how this is supposed to work, otherwise I will be making a trip up there on Wednesday.  I am confident that everything will work out how it is supposed to be all according to God's plan.  We wouldn't have gotten this far with out Him and we aren't stopping now.  We need lots of prayers right now. There are times when I get really pumped up about this and am really optimistic with the results and then there are the times when I have doubts and ask my self those 'What if" questions. So right now I am trying to stay neutral and put those negative thoughts out of my mind.  I had some aprehension about sharing what we are doing because I just don't know if it's going to work. But then I realized that if no one knows our struggles or problems then they don't know what to pray for.  So please keep praying for us, we really appreciate all of the support and optimism we have encountered thus far.  I will keep you updated and hopefully by the begining of June I will be posting some exciting news! :)

5 steps back 10 steps forward...and the answers we've needed.

Well I have torn down the obstacle and have started racing forward again.  A big giant leap forward. If you read my last blog post I filled you in on the results from my blood work. I went and had an ultrasound on my abdomen done on Friday, April 6th, and got my cholesterol levels re-tested as well.  I spoke with my fertility doctor today and my family physician to go over the results for everything.  So first I will start with my blood work and ultrasound results.  6 months ago my family doctor tested my cholesterol levels and those results came back high.My overall cholesterol was 260. I expected that when these results came back they would also be high and that meant she was going to start me on a low dose medicine to help bring it down.  To my surprise they were not high, those numbers had actually came down. This time my overall cholesterol was 198. She said they found nothing abnormal with my liver, just what she expected to find which were the fatty deposits; but she said since my cholesterol was coming down and I'm changing the way I eat and exercising that that should get better as well. The doctor said that she didn't see a need to hold off on getting pregnant since everything is coming down. Yay!!!  You have no idea how excited I was to find out those results.  I thought for sure that my cholesterol would be as high if not higher than it was in August when they checked it and I was going to have to go on meds and wait for eternity to move forward with the fertility specialist. 
       Now for the other news! I also talked with my fertility specialist today. (well actually his nurse) She said they got all of Tom's results back today and they looked pretty good. She also checked to see if I had followed up with my primary doctor.  Since everything was good on that part and Tom's results look good and since I have the PCOS it looks like we are moving forward with having the IUI done on my next cycle! Today is day 20 of my current cycle, so I will start taking meds to start another period. Then on the first day of my next cycle I will contact the nurse and they will call in medicine for me to take, which will be the injections, starting on day five.  They will monitor my ovulation through ultrasound, and she said typically on day 16 is when they actually do the IUI.  So I think by the end of May and if not then for sure the beginning of June we should know whether or not we are pregnant.  After getting all of the good news about the test results it almost feels like it's happened already. I am trying not to get too pumped up about it just in case it doesn't take the first time which is a very real possibility. I think this is the first day in a long time I have been able to breath.  It felt like before, day after day, month after month, year after year there was always a huge wall keeping us from moving forward.Now all of the sleepless nights, crying until I fall asleep, all of the meltdowns and confusion when it happened to someone other than me seem like a distant memory. We are finally getting the answers we have needed for so long and it feels like there has been a huge weight lifted off my heart.  I am so thankful for all of the support from friends and family. If it wasn't for them I think I would still be trapped in that endless fear of never becoming a mother I guess you could say.  I know it's in God's hands, and it always has been. It's just hard to hand it over to him, but every day is getting easier. That light that I thought was getting smaller has just gotten a whole lot brighter! Keep praying!  

One step forward, five steps back

Have you ever felt like when you were working towards a certain goal and that goal is within a fingertips reach and then all of a sudden you get pulled back, well that's how I'm feeling right now.I heard from Dr. Ahlering's nurse last week about the results from my blood work. She said most of the results were normal, but there were a few abnormal results that were leading them to think I had PCO, which was no big surprise. She said they wanted me to follow up with my primary doctor to go over those tests.  I made an appointment for the very next afternoon.  So come to find out my liver function test was pretty high. I don't have exact numbers but they were high enough that she said it makes them think of alcoholism, hepatitis or someone who takes entirely too much aspirin, and I fall into none of those categories. So she thinks I have a type of nonalcoholic liver disease.Fatty deposits build up on the liver and cause it to become inflamed.  How I understood it was that it's from following a poor, unhealthy diet and not exercising.   She also mentioned that these are not only not good numbers when your not pregnant but add pregnancy in there and it gets even scarier.  So I have a feeling that when I follow up with Dr. Ahlering in a week to go over everything and come up with a plan that he might tell me to wait until I can get those numbers back down.  I know it's good that they caught this and I need to be at my healthiest when I do get pregnant but that light that I saw before, is no longer there.  I feel like any progress we make is blocked by something else and we are back at square one. So I have made changes to what I've been eating and cut out all my soda, water only for me. I have also started exercising.  If only it were possible to snap my fingers and lose weight...that would be ideal. I was talking to a friend about this the other day and maybe it will be a good thing if they do wait, just so I'm healthier.  I know I will be much happier with myself if I do lose weight and keep exercising.   In the mean time I am trusting God and the plan that He has for me.  If it is His will I know it will happen and it will happen all in His timing.  It will all be ok, that's what I keep telling myself.

I can almost see the light

    We began the testing phase of our journey this past Friday.  I got blood work done and by the time that was all said and done I think they ended up with half my blood.(not even joking)  Tom (my husband) also went to Dr. Ahlering's office on Friday to do his part of the testing, which I'm sure you all know what that means.  We got his initial results back that same day which looked very good.  They sent off for a DNA fragmentation test to be done and we are still waiting for those results to come back. 

There are potential babies in there!

      I had an appointment with Dr.Ahlering this morning to finish up my part of the testing phase. Let me just say he is one of the nicest people I have ever met.  His confidence in the whole matter really put my mind at ease.  He did an internal ultrasound to check my uterus, which he said all looked very good.  He also checked my ovaries, and said there are over 20 follicles in each ovary which he said is a classic sign of PCO.Dr. Ahlering gave me a picture of my ovaries so I could see what he was talking about. So every dark circle is a follicle.  Follow the link to find out more about what PCO is.  http://haveababy.com/infertility-information/pcos-and-pregnancy/    He was very reassuring that this was not something to get worked up about.  With fertility medication and a little help from him I think we are going to get that baby we've wanted.  So as long as everything else comes back normal, he said we will more than likely be able to get an IUI done.  IUI is short for intrauterine insemination.  Intrauterine insemination (IUI), the injection of sperm into the uterus by means of a catheter directed through the cervix, has been practiced for many years. The premise of the IUI procedure (a type of artificial insemination) is that sperm can reach and fertilize the egg more easily if they are placed directly into the uterine cavity. In addition, in cases where the cervical mucus is poor or hostile to sperm, intrauterine insemination circumvents these problems because it bypasses the cervix.
Since we have to wait for all the test results to come in and make sure doing an IUI is the best solution we are going to wait until my next cycle before we proceed any further. 
    I am feeling very optimistic after todays appointment.  After years of trying, and taking clomid and seeing negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test and crying myself to sleep, I feel like I am finally able to breath better.  We finally got some answers. I know we are still waiting on the other half of Tom's test and my blood work to come back, but I can finally see the light trying to peek through at the end of that long dark tunnel.